Jonathan Lucroy of the Milwaukee Brewers is trying to float the cockamamie story that he broke his hand when his wife dropped a suitcase on it. It sounded fishy from the jump. Then we came to find out he has a “boxer’s fracture”. I know firsthand that he could not have gotten it without balling his fist and slamming it into a solid object. In other words, his story is a baldfaced lie.
How do I know? Oh… my doctor sort of told me. No wait, he sort of told my parents in front of me, let’s put it that way. Suffice to say I never forgot what a “boxer’s fracture” was and how you can and cannot get one.
Here’s the story. In middle school we used to play touch football in the school yard before school. Sometimes things got a little heated. One day, for whatever reason, me and one of my friends got in a small tiff. It wasn’t really even a fight. But it was very cold and I landed a punch right on the side of his hard head. My hand hurt so bad I couldn’t even grip a pen to write with.
But, being the 7th grade genius I was, I knew I couldn’t say I broke it fighting or I would have to endure six weeks of “What a stupid thing to do!” and “It serves you right for fighting!” I mean, it was bad enough not being able to do anything at all with my main hand… who wants to add insult to such an annoying injury??
So I made up a really lame lie. I claimed I somehow hurt it at “football practice”. Who cares right? The problem was I never sorted out how it actually happened. I was real vague about that. As Brad Pitt says in Inglorious Basterds “We have a word for that in English… it’s called ‘suspicious’!
But, I still don’t think it was necessary for my doctor to embarrass the living shit out of me in front of my parents. But that’s exactly what he did.
First he has me recount my lameass story. “Now, how did you say you broke your hand, Ty?” When I finished he puts the X-Ray on one of those light deals and points out that the fracture was in an area and of a type that is called a “boxer’s fracture”. The next words are burned into my brain
“Now, Ty. You can’t possibly have gotten such a fracture in the manner you described. You had to have punched something or someone. Now, why don’t you explain how you really hurt your hand.”
After the cold sweat running down my face drained out of my eyes, I finally came clean. And just as I suspected, everyone insulted my injury.
The question now is, when will Jonathan Lucroy do the same?